Notes from the bus 1/30/14

I think what it boils down to is I believe the world could have turned out a lot better without European imperialism. This implies that the world would be a better place had my ancestors not met on boats crossing the Atlantic, it'd be better had my grandmother never moved from Brooklyn to a New Jersey suburb with her seven children, had my parents never met in whatever bar and I had never been born. That's part of why I want to disappear sometimes. I want it all to disappear. The state, society, the rules and regulations, the meat industry, car pollution, charity organizations and public transportation. Fuck our iPhones and the tantalum being mined in Australia and Africa, are the lives of those being disenfranchised worth the newest technology for your thirteen year olds birthday? How have we gotten so far from what's important. We are drowning in our comfort, snuggies and instant coffee, name brand clothing and swimming pools in every back yard. Consume consume consume, who cares what you leave behind you when you're gone, who cares about future generations living in hell? Why should be care about them, they'll just figure a way to live in space. The wealthy people will at least, and they're the only ones who deserve to continue on the human race. Social Darwinism, right? Capitalism, right? Democracy.

My seventeen year old sister sat in bed with me last night,tears streaming from her grey eyes down her fair, porcelain skin. She's just experienced her first heartbreak, the first time she thought she truly loved someone. Her father has been asleep in a hospital bed for two months due to his excessive fondness for prescription drugs, made widely available by our current health care system, and her grades are suffering as a result of time taken off to sit by his bedside. She's recently been thinking about dropping out of her drama club play, says she doesn't love it anymore. Says she never has had a single suicidal thought but sometimes she wants to stop being alive. I sit here on the bus now, a day later, tears falling down my cheeks thinking about the pain in her heart, the pain I've felt since her age, the same exact feelings. The last thing id ever want is for her to feel the hopelessness I feel but here she is, feeling it word for word, thought for thought. And what does that say about the world we've been raised in, young women would rather die than deal with the realities of life. She shows me YouTube videos explaining the disparity of wealth in our country, says she wishes we could afford to go to dinner once in a while, to go to the doctor when were sick, get new glasses. There must be a better way for it to all turn out. The universe prefers chaos, but this seems more like insanity to me.