MacKenzie, on a whim

For periods of time I quit writing. The thought to never crosses my mind, I continue on with my daily activities (usually which include writing for academic purposes) and slowly, fits of anxiety and depression creep upon me, lightly coat my body with an eggy negativity and I go ever so softly into a coma of monotony and boredom. I rediscover myself in some sort of meditation, usually a time where I sit in one spot and listen to music thoughtlessly for a while; the bus, subway, a long car ride. Words strike me quickly, they are fleeting and flowing and unless I get them down in some definite sort of way I will lose a part of myself forever in the infinity of my mentality. The further the words get away from me, the more of myself they take with them. For as long as I remember, I have been attracted to art and artists. I've dated numerous musicians, painters and poets, befriended actors, photographers, all people with a medium with which they express themselves. Always envious of t...

Ruin is a gift, ruin is the road to transformation. My heart broke today thinking of you, of the comfort in lying with you, wrapped in your arms, your sheets, I just needed to feel you to forget  To forget the sadness, the ripping apart of my veins from my arteries,  of the strings attaching my heart to  the rest of my body Dark red droplets falling from the sky, expanding like rivers through cracked and dry lands infertile desert.

      That summer, the summer after the storm, after all of the storms, I stayed at the beach where I grew up. The boardwalk was brand new and there were trucks along the beach where the restaurants used to be. Shiny silver trailers selling greasy beach food to the tourists gawking at the new beach, complaining about the rocky sand. I stopped writing because, well, I pretty much had stoppped doing everything that I found enjoyable. I drank too much, smoked too much, worked too much, I didn't leave much time for thinking because thinking hurt and I was sick of hurting. I bought a lot of things I didn't need, trying to fill some gap in me. I knew it wouldn't work but I tried it anyway. I was never alone. Maybe I was tricking myself into appreciating lonliness by never allowing myself to feel it. My heart was closed and all the reiki in the world couldn't keep it open. Most of the time I felt pretty happy, enjoyed the silly things I was doing, giggling while sneaking champ...