I've been trying to sleep. For the next 36 hours I have nothing pressing to accomplish. Of course, there are plenty of emails to send, events to create, pages to read. But nothing extremely pressing. So I decided to sleep, something that is usually easy and enjoyable for me. I lied in my bed for two and a half hours, unable to get anything remotely close to sleep. Relaxation? Maybe. The sky is purple and it's spring time in St. Petersburg. Here we go again, whirlwind for the umpteenth time. Okay, okay, maybe it's only the fourth time in the last year. But how many times in the last two? Or three? Too many to count. At this point it's like a profession, maybe an addiction. The therapist I was seeing accused me of using it as an escape, a defense mechanism. I guess she didn't understand it's just in my blood, it's something I need to survive and stay sane. Look at that, months of depression and as soon as moving comes into the picture everything turns around. Needless to say, we aren't seeing each other anymore. The therapist and I, that is.
This morning I was driving my mother's truck to class. Saturday morning. Ten am class. Intro to archaeology with my least favorite professor. Anyway I was driving and something crazy happened, this wave of happiness just overcame me. I was holding tears back driving on the interstate towards 4th street. Choking on my own happiness, my eyes fluttered the tears back into my head and the only helpful response was to smile hugely, sing a bit louder, roll the windows down and feel it. I want to feel all of it and for so long I wasn't allowing myself to feel anything, especially not the good. Now it seems that's mostly all I feel. Open heart, open mind, right Jess? I am in the springtime of my life, everything is anew and I'm not willing to give this feeling up any time soon.
I wake in the mornings in a bed too small for three, wrapped around one and next to the other of my favorite people. I love to make them coffee, we smoke each others cigarettes, my sister says we bicker but it's just the way we speak to each other. Honestly. I think that is a major contributing factor to my uncontrollable happiness: pure, unadulterated honesty. I'm not ever afraid anymore of my honesty, the things I slur after too many whiskey gingers, the words I whisper when half asleep, too early in the morning, or is it very late at night? Regardless who I am and what I say is always alright. Why wouldn't it be? There's no one reprimanding me for my feelings anymore. And that honesty has carried over into my daily actions as well. I am no longer held back by any outside expectations or opinions, I feel freer than I have in quite some time. Ironically (actually ironically!), I am more tied down to a single place than I've been in years and it's exciting. I am looking forward to making a (semi) permanent home, decorating, making a space that is mine and exactly as I want it to be.
So here is to yet another chapter, I'm sure there will be ups and downs. I hope there are at least; my writing would get very boring if there wasn't a constant ebb and flow of positive and negative. Balance is what it's all about. Open heart, open mind. Ride the wave. These lessons I've learned over and over, they are beginning to stick. I am taking pieces of all the people I've been stuck on in the past, the best of all, the best of me, the future is bright and I am all smiles, shining like the sun and effortlessly effervescent.
This morning I was driving my mother's truck to class. Saturday morning. Ten am class. Intro to archaeology with my least favorite professor. Anyway I was driving and something crazy happened, this wave of happiness just overcame me. I was holding tears back driving on the interstate towards 4th street. Choking on my own happiness, my eyes fluttered the tears back into my head and the only helpful response was to smile hugely, sing a bit louder, roll the windows down and feel it. I want to feel all of it and for so long I wasn't allowing myself to feel anything, especially not the good. Now it seems that's mostly all I feel. Open heart, open mind, right Jess? I am in the springtime of my life, everything is anew and I'm not willing to give this feeling up any time soon.
I wake in the mornings in a bed too small for three, wrapped around one and next to the other of my favorite people. I love to make them coffee, we smoke each others cigarettes, my sister says we bicker but it's just the way we speak to each other. Honestly. I think that is a major contributing factor to my uncontrollable happiness: pure, unadulterated honesty. I'm not ever afraid anymore of my honesty, the things I slur after too many whiskey gingers, the words I whisper when half asleep, too early in the morning, or is it very late at night? Regardless who I am and what I say is always alright. Why wouldn't it be? There's no one reprimanding me for my feelings anymore. And that honesty has carried over into my daily actions as well. I am no longer held back by any outside expectations or opinions, I feel freer than I have in quite some time. Ironically (actually ironically!), I am more tied down to a single place than I've been in years and it's exciting. I am looking forward to making a (semi) permanent home, decorating, making a space that is mine and exactly as I want it to be.
So here is to yet another chapter, I'm sure there will be ups and downs. I hope there are at least; my writing would get very boring if there wasn't a constant ebb and flow of positive and negative. Balance is what it's all about. Open heart, open mind. Ride the wave. These lessons I've learned over and over, they are beginning to stick. I am taking pieces of all the people I've been stuck on in the past, the best of all, the best of me, the future is bright and I am all smiles, shining like the sun and effortlessly effervescent.
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