"Random Dakota"
The title of this post may have nothing to do with the post itself but for some reason, when a friend told me about her Griffen and Sabine like experience, the words she used stuck with me. I'm letting them go here, hopefully along with some feelings and thoughts I've been holding onto for too long. This last week I've been conscious of them. I've been actively trying to let them go, reminding myself that they no longer serve me. I feel them inside, darting energy smacking off my internal organs like a pin ball machine. They will make me sick, they may be making me sick already. I know this and I must let them go.
I had the most vivid dream the other night. Recently I haven't been remembering my dreams much but since my accident last week my dreams have been more vivid. Maybe I'm finally just sleeping better. I haven't slept in bed with Nick for a few days, maybe that has something to do with it. My mother suggested it's to do with hitting my head since suppressed feelings and thoughts have been surfacing more since then.
In my dream I was to be the new princess of England. I was engaged to William, the prince of England. The queen was brining my mother and I to the royal court. I wore a big poofy yellow dress. I curtseyed. I listened to all the Englishmen speak in their sophisticated accents about matters of court. When it was my turn to speak I was embarrassed, I felt silly in comparison. I made jokes about my ugly American accent and how unintelligent I sounded compared to everyone else. They laughed too, probably out of kindness. The queen accompanied my mother and I to our seats besides a colossal window facing the forest outside. Gary showed up in front of the window. He was angry. He cursed and held up signs about how angry he was at me. He threatened to slash my tires. Inside I was combating thoughts of how easy my life would be if I married the prince. Don't be stupid, I told myself, your life will be wonderful. Money, power, a chance to make a difference in the world; something I've always wanted to do. Here was my chance to better the world I lived in. Here was my chance to be a real life princess, to see the world, meet all sorts of different people, dress fabulously. But somewhere, in my heart of hearts, I knew I didn't want it as much as I wanted real love.
In the middle of the night I packed a bag. I ran to the forest where I saw my father's Mercedes and my Saab. Both had slashed tires. Gary was there and I pleaded with him, I told him I knew I couldn't make the mistake I had tried to talk myself into making. The queen found me. She told me she knew what I was thinking and that I had to leave. She said she would love her grandchildren too much to let me have them with a man I wasn't madly in love with. I told her I wouldn't love any children as much as I'd love the children I could have with Gary. He was my idea of perfect and any child I ever imagined having, carrying, loving would share his features. I left the palace.
I'm not sure where this all came from. For months I've been fine about the last abortion. I've told many people, it's easier for me to be open. Even when I'm drunk and talk about it I'm never crying. I feel okay about it now, especially now that I'm in college seeing everything I'd miss out on if I were to have a baby at such a young age. I love my major, I love all of the opportunities that are opening up for me. However, next week would have been the week I was due. I try explaining it sometimes but really, no one gets it and I just end up sounding silly. "I was supposed to have a baby, it was mine. It was supposed to be mine." But no one understands. It was mine. I saw it on a screen, I listened to it's heartbeat. I saw the look on Gary's face, too. He was terrified. That's the moment I knew we weren't going to have the baby, the moment I realized just how badly I wanted it. I cannot believe that now, nine months later, when I should have been giving birth to our child, we aren't even speaking. He is over it and I am getting over it too. He said love shouldn't hurt so much and he's right. We don't work together right now. He is too invested in his dreams, as I should have been too.
Nick says he's never been in love. He also says he might never want to be. I laughed at that thought, I love being in love. The last two relationships I was in were very serious, both lasting (on and off) three years almost exactly. Both exes tried (only one successfully) to get me pregnant. I realized this last night, in bed, smoking with Cody. And I wondered: is it something about me that makes men want to impregnate me? My mother has often told us that we were built to have babies. This is true, I have a very strong motherly instinct and think it will be my greatest achievement in life. Is there some biological evolutionary explanation, some pheromone in me that screams, "CUM INSIDE ME. WIFE ME UP. YOU WANT MY BABIES." Maybe, probably. Even Nick asked the other day if our babies would look Asian. Or is it something I fear even more: am I attracted to psychos, overly jealous men who want to own me and control me? Maybe this post is too personal for the internet but fuck it, no one reads my blog anyway. I might as well be honest.
I'm overwhelmed this week with school. I find myself thinking that I cannot do this. That I'm doing to fail miserably. Why all this negativity? Why am I doubting myself? Excelling in school is something I've always done, now is no different. I have more experience, I am more open. I need to purge the negative energy inside of me, let go of the pain I have inside, the regret, the anger from the Valentine's Day abortion. I need to move on. Maybe the passing of my due date will help, maybe I will magically feel liberated from the weight I've been carrying, the sadness I've been secretly harvesting. I've been thinking about running away, going on a trip somewhere. I miss traveling. I think though, that this challenge will be good for me. I cannot run away from myself now, I'm stuck here for a little while and I am just going to have to deal with it, all of it.
I had the most vivid dream the other night. Recently I haven't been remembering my dreams much but since my accident last week my dreams have been more vivid. Maybe I'm finally just sleeping better. I haven't slept in bed with Nick for a few days, maybe that has something to do with it. My mother suggested it's to do with hitting my head since suppressed feelings and thoughts have been surfacing more since then.
In my dream I was to be the new princess of England. I was engaged to William, the prince of England. The queen was brining my mother and I to the royal court. I wore a big poofy yellow dress. I curtseyed. I listened to all the Englishmen speak in their sophisticated accents about matters of court. When it was my turn to speak I was embarrassed, I felt silly in comparison. I made jokes about my ugly American accent and how unintelligent I sounded compared to everyone else. They laughed too, probably out of kindness. The queen accompanied my mother and I to our seats besides a colossal window facing the forest outside. Gary showed up in front of the window. He was angry. He cursed and held up signs about how angry he was at me. He threatened to slash my tires. Inside I was combating thoughts of how easy my life would be if I married the prince. Don't be stupid, I told myself, your life will be wonderful. Money, power, a chance to make a difference in the world; something I've always wanted to do. Here was my chance to better the world I lived in. Here was my chance to be a real life princess, to see the world, meet all sorts of different people, dress fabulously. But somewhere, in my heart of hearts, I knew I didn't want it as much as I wanted real love.
In the middle of the night I packed a bag. I ran to the forest where I saw my father's Mercedes and my Saab. Both had slashed tires. Gary was there and I pleaded with him, I told him I knew I couldn't make the mistake I had tried to talk myself into making. The queen found me. She told me she knew what I was thinking and that I had to leave. She said she would love her grandchildren too much to let me have them with a man I wasn't madly in love with. I told her I wouldn't love any children as much as I'd love the children I could have with Gary. He was my idea of perfect and any child I ever imagined having, carrying, loving would share his features. I left the palace.
I'm not sure where this all came from. For months I've been fine about the last abortion. I've told many people, it's easier for me to be open. Even when I'm drunk and talk about it I'm never crying. I feel okay about it now, especially now that I'm in college seeing everything I'd miss out on if I were to have a baby at such a young age. I love my major, I love all of the opportunities that are opening up for me. However, next week would have been the week I was due. I try explaining it sometimes but really, no one gets it and I just end up sounding silly. "I was supposed to have a baby, it was mine. It was supposed to be mine." But no one understands. It was mine. I saw it on a screen, I listened to it's heartbeat. I saw the look on Gary's face, too. He was terrified. That's the moment I knew we weren't going to have the baby, the moment I realized just how badly I wanted it. I cannot believe that now, nine months later, when I should have been giving birth to our child, we aren't even speaking. He is over it and I am getting over it too. He said love shouldn't hurt so much and he's right. We don't work together right now. He is too invested in his dreams, as I should have been too.
Nick says he's never been in love. He also says he might never want to be. I laughed at that thought, I love being in love. The last two relationships I was in were very serious, both lasting (on and off) three years almost exactly. Both exes tried (only one successfully) to get me pregnant. I realized this last night, in bed, smoking with Cody. And I wondered: is it something about me that makes men want to impregnate me? My mother has often told us that we were built to have babies. This is true, I have a very strong motherly instinct and think it will be my greatest achievement in life. Is there some biological evolutionary explanation, some pheromone in me that screams, "CUM INSIDE ME. WIFE ME UP. YOU WANT MY BABIES." Maybe, probably. Even Nick asked the other day if our babies would look Asian. Or is it something I fear even more: am I attracted to psychos, overly jealous men who want to own me and control me? Maybe this post is too personal for the internet but fuck it, no one reads my blog anyway. I might as well be honest.
I'm overwhelmed this week with school. I find myself thinking that I cannot do this. That I'm doing to fail miserably. Why all this negativity? Why am I doubting myself? Excelling in school is something I've always done, now is no different. I have more experience, I am more open. I need to purge the negative energy inside of me, let go of the pain I have inside, the regret, the anger from the Valentine's Day abortion. I need to move on. Maybe the passing of my due date will help, maybe I will magically feel liberated from the weight I've been carrying, the sadness I've been secretly harvesting. I've been thinking about running away, going on a trip somewhere. I miss traveling. I think though, that this challenge will be good for me. I cannot run away from myself now, I'm stuck here for a little while and I am just going to have to deal with it, all of it.
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