Searching vs. Finding (What I've found)

"When someone is searching," said Siddhartha, "then it might easily happen that the only thing his eyes still see is that what he searches for, that he is unable to find anything, to let anything enter his mind, because he always thinks of nothing but the object of his search, because he has a goal, because he is obsessed by the goal. Searching means: having a goal. But finding means: being free, being open, having no goal. You, oh venerable one, are perhaps indeed a searcher, because, striving for your goal, there are many things you don't see, which are directly in front of your eyes."

This is one of the great truths of my journey. It's always when you're searching that you find yourself further and further from what you are longing to find. When you give up on searching, exactly what you need presents itself. As a minor control freak, it's extremely hard for me to give up trying to find a path for my life. Hopefully with time, I will get better and better at it. I must give up searching, open my heart, and let whatever life has planned for me happen. There are all of these thoughts of, what will we do when we get home? Well what the hell are we doing here? The same thing, only lonelier, without any chance of progression besides the progression of the way we think. Life is the same no matter where in the world you go. You are always just a person, standing on the planet, breathing, living, looking, thinking, working. Regardless of my location, I will be drinking tea, reading books, writing, exploring. Maybe it's time to stop running away from myself, maybe it's time to plant roots and watch myself really grow.

 Going away from my family, my boyfriend, the people I love so much for an extended amount of time has taught me that I don't need anything or anyone but myself. I am completely capable of being calm, collected, and successful without the emotional support I've always believed I needed. It was a crutch. Now I've learned the extent of my personal strength. I've learned, too, that happiness is a decision. I could live anywhere in the world and be as happy as I want. I can work any job and be as happy as I want. My environment does not have as much of an impact on my happiness as I used to believe it did. What truly matters is the company I keep, how healthy I keep my body, my mind and spirit, and how dedicated I am to that happiness. In the end, there is no goal, there is nothing to search for. There is happiness that exists in the world and my own able hands reaching out to grasp it. So here I sit, in a studio in Sydney, next door to a mentally ill woman, on a dirty carpet, the smell of incense in the air, deciding to let go and let the wave of life take me where it wishes. I am but a speck of dust (or glitter) in the unimaginably vast universe, the fate of which has been planned and in motion since it began. Hereeeee we go, time to enjoy the ride!