Been doing a lot of thinking..

I woke today feeling empty;
maybe it's because you're across the ocean,
maybe it's from eating too late at night.
Either way I rolled onto my belly
felt a pang in my shoulders
hugged a pillow
and wished to feel your skin
your body mass
on me.

Everything was so still in that moment
where I saw golden spider webs
spinning and spending their energy,
just silence and black
black
black
black
black
black
My own breath didn't even exist.

Now it is all your sheets with someone else's skin,
too much shit in the carpet
a spirit playing me lullabies.
Dirty dishes in the sink
pine needles in our toes
shoes that hurt more
than just burning my soles on concrete.

I am still sitting in the children's section of the library
I guess some things never change.
Accused of fevering, dropping, dehydrating.
I guess some things never change.

And where have you gone?
Days ago you were attacking me for a lack of interest
now you've disappeared.
Still accusing.

So I will submerse myself in the ocean
waves writhe and skin withers
hoping for currents to carry me away
part of me away
to wash up on your shores
I will disintegrate,
ride the rip tide,
no longer feeling empty
instead, whole,
as a part of something
larger.